The Story of How Cisco Met Barry As Told by Their Disgruntled Employer
by PissedOffEskimo
Summary: A companion piece to Barry Allen and His Super Genius (just a little bit evil) Boyfriend, Chapter 2 – the Spy AU that got totally and completely out of hand. Wherein Cisco insists on over-sharing, Caitlin is a Red Currant, Barry is adorably confused, Hartley wants to be left out of it, Jay is amused (and still not evil), Harrison most certainly does not have a pet platyp
1. Operation Platypus

**Warning:** Inaccurate Portrayal of Espionage

* * *

 **The Story of How Cisco Met Barry, As Told by Their Disgruntled Employer**

"Ramon, this isn't why I called you into my office."

"Oh, I know, but it's my personal mission in life to waste at least one hour of your morning every day and we're only," he looked at the nonexistent watch on his wrist, "forty five minutes in."

"I really don't know why I put up with this."

"'Cause you love me like the son you never wanted."

"That's not it."

"And because of that video you don't want anyone to see."

"That's it."

Cisco lifted his feet up to rest on Harrison's desk, only to have them promptly pushed off, not that this deterred him from continuing his one sided conversation about the cute guy he'd been stalking at the coffee shop.

So far, Harrison was privilege to the man's favorite movies and childhood cartoons, hobby of choice, the color he wore most often, that his best friend was his foster sister whom he'd had a crush on when they were teenagers, and was now married with a three year old daughter named Rose, that his foster father was a police officer, that the young man in question had a serious addiction to caffeine and chocolate, probably in that order, and that his favorite holiday was Valentine's Day because he was a hopeless romantic.

How Cisco had managed to get that much information in only two weeks and without saying one single word to the subject of his infatuation or using the Company computers was beyond Harrison. However, it was one of the many reasons he grudgingly and _privately_ considered the boy one of his top agents.

"So, to continue, on top of all that, this guy is a _major_ hottie. Not jacked like Jay or anything, but tall and cute in that skinny geek way that is just… and when he smiles… seriously, I could eat him up. I _want_ to eat him up – like one of those cinnamon rolls they cover in too much icing."

"Ramon…"

"Anyway, the point is, I'm thinking about asking him out."

"And?"

"And advice." Cisco leaned forward in his seat. "Come on. You've been married and I haven't been in the game in… ever. I mean, I've dated, but never anything serious and I'm getting older…"

"You're twenty-four."

"I want something more serious and he could be serious. He's everything I could ever want in another human being that I've never actually talked to. Harry, please?"

Harrison took a deep breath, then closed his eyes and took another. "Be yourself, Ramon. No cheesy pick up lines, no gimmicks, no personas. If you want to be serious, then you want him to like you for you, not someone you pretend to be to get into his pants."

Cisco nodded curtly. "Good, okay, now; how do I do that?"

"I'm sure you can figure out how to be _you_."

"I haven't been me since you recruited me out of highschool. I've been a poolboy, a DJ, a limo driver, a drug addict, a drug dealer, an underpaid prostitute, a tattoo artist – oh, speaking of, I'm pretty sure I saw my handiwork on Bad Ink. I've been everyone _but_ me."

" _You_ are the person who wastes hours of my time every week updating me on the latest shows that I care nothing about. _You_ insist on breaking every dress code we have with your vast t-shirt collection. _You_ are responsible for the ant-infestation of 2012 because you decided to hide no less than thirty pounds of Twizzlers, two hundred Blowpops, and what I can only describe as an army of Sour Patch Kids in various air vents throughout the office because people kept stealing from the 'stash' in your drawer."

"They were." Harrison tightened his grip on his pen. "Sorry."

"To continue, _you_ insisted that if no one could figure out what movie you were quoting, someone had to put a dollar in the quote jar and when that jar reached an adequate amount, you bought a karaoke machine for the break room. _You_ used an entire year's worth of vacation, not to mention several thousand dollars, to nurse an injured cat back to health simply because you found it on your fire escape, claiming that meant, and I quote, 'he chose me.' _You_ threw Snow a surprise party and when she discharged her weapon into the crowd of people who had jumped out at her yelling "surprise!" _you_ paid Linda's deductible and drove her to physical therapy for two months. You will never hear me say this again, Ramon, but you have many admirable qualities. I'm sure you'll do fine."

"That's… thank you."

"Now, about your latest assignment?"

"Right." Cisco reached down and pulled a folder out from under his leg. "I wrote the report up last night. Pictures and everything. You do _not_ want to know what I had to do to get a close up of that birthmark, by the way. Speaking of which, I've got a picture of the hottie."

He set the folder down and turned on his phone, holding it out. The background had been set to a picture taken from some distance of a young man with green eyes, brown hair, and a truly disarming smile, petting a dog on the sidewalk while he talked with the owner.

"You stalked him, took pictures of him without his knowledge, and then set one of those pictures as the background to your phone and you don't even know his full name?"

Cisco shrugged. "Considering what I do for a living, that's not even the creepiest thing I've done this week."

A valid point and one Harrison wasn't going to explore at the moment. "Rathaway asked me to send you to him when we were done."

"Did he say what he needed me for?"

"Something about his latest pet project – I try not to ask." Plausible deniability was his best friend when it came to Hartley. The young man was an undeniable genius, but Harrison often had cause to question his ethics.

"Well, does he wants my help or am I gonna get shot again?"

"As I said, I try not to ask, however, this is Rathaway, so fifty-fifty."

"Man!" Cisco mumbled under breath in Spanish as he stomped out of the office and headed down to the hall to Hartley's lab. Despite the front of animosity between them, the two actually worked very well together, albeit with a lot of bickering.

* * *

[]

* * *

"Dr. Wells, your two o'clock is here." Ah, the new transfer. He'd come highly recommended by Supervisory Agent Grant in National City, where he'd been since she recruited him out of college. According to her, he'd recently expressed an interest in returning to Central City to spend more time with his family and while Harrison was reluctant, he had enough respect and trust in Agent Grant to agree to the transfer.

"Send him in."

A knock was quickly followed by the door opening and in that moment, Harrison found himself cursing deities he didn't even believe in, because the person standing in the doorway was none other than the young man Cisco had been stalking for the past few weeks.

"Have a seat, Agent…?"

"Allen. Barry Allen." Allen took an overstuffed file folder out of the messenger bag he had slung over his shoulder. "Sorry about the secrecy, but I guess you're used to that."

"Indeed. Have a seat." With field agents that worked exclusively undercover, it was common for no picture or given name to be attached to file. A codename only was applied and Harrison honestly hadn't been entirely sure the agent in question was even a man – Agent Grant's use of masculine pronouns aside, the Flash was less gender specific than Supergirl. "How are you enjoying being back in Central City?"

"Oh, it's been great! I found an apartment in the city, a great coffee shop not too far from it and a stalker. I'm actually really excited about that. I've never had a stalker before. I mean, I should probably be freaked out or something, but it's not like I can't handle myself and he's super cute – trying to be sneaky, taking pictures of me when he thinks I'm not looking. Besides, with what I do for a living, who am I to judge, right? And that is way more information than you needed. Sorry. I over share when I'm nervous."

Harrison couldn't quite manage to stop the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth. Damn. Barry Allen was absolutely charming. Cisco and him were perfect for each other.

"You do realize, Agent Allen, that you have nothing to be nervous about? The transfer's already complete, you have the job."

Barry blushed a little and ducked his head, smiling. "I know, but this is my first new job since Agent Grant recruited me and, I mean, with your reputation… it's a little intimidating."

Harrison could see his doom in too big eyes, filled with sincerity and genuine hero-worship. "Allow me to make it less intimidating. Would you like a tour of the facility?"

* * *

[]

* * *

"I can not stress this enough." Harrison looked around his office at the cluster of apprehensive, confused faces. "They are not to know about each other."

There was a moment of silence, and then Caitlin asked hesitantly. "I'm sorry, but why?"

Her question appeared to break the tenuous silence that had settled over the room when he'd invited them in for an incredibly important, top secret meeting that Cisco must not know about. Jay relaxed into his chair. "Yeah, why is that? I've only met him once, but he seems like a nice kid. Cisco and him would really hit it off."

Hartley nodded his agreement. "And he's bi, so people can finally stop asking when Cisco and I are going to 'give it up and start banging already.' And by, people, I mean you, Jay."

Jay grinned, but didn't deny the accusation.

Caitlin turned on Hartley sharply. "Please tell me you didn't hit on the new guy his first day here?"

"No, of course not. Linda tried to hook us up."

Linda Park, Harrison's Personal Assistant/Operations Coordinator, rolled her eyes from her position at the back of the room. "Which you rudely refused."

Caitlin shook her head in wonder. "Your gay-dar is spot on. I swear, you just _know_."

She beamed. "It's a gift."

Hartley was less than impressed. "Gay-dar, yes, however, it's your matchmaking skills that I find questionable. I've told you time and again that I will _not_ date a fellow agent. It's just too complicated."

Jay scoffed. "Yeah, but you're barely an agent."

"That's enough!" Harrison slammed his fist on the table. "This has nothing to do with whether Ramon and Allen would get along. In fact, I'm certain they would, which is precisely the reason I won't let it happen."

Caitlin opened and closed her mouth a few times before she was able to put her words together. "How? They work together, in the same building and I know we're good, but even we're not _that_ good."

"No, but I am." Garrick raised a skeptical eyebrow. "One of the driving reasons behind my agreeing to this transfer was that Allen's foster father works within the CCPD as a detective and is aware of his son's true profession…"

Jay finished for him, "And we need a new in with local law enforcement."

"Precisely. Agent Allen will be working part time as a CSI with the CCPD. Detective West will help to maintain that cover. The only time he will be here is when he's being briefed and de-briefed."

Linda snorted into her hand and covered the laughter with a cough. "Sorry. Allergies."

Caitlin was barely containing her own smile and slapped Jay on the shoulder when he wagged his eyebrows suggestively. "Not that I'm questioning your leadership, but why does it matter if they know they work together?"

"I won't have them making out all over S.T.A.R. Labs and my desk."

Jay frowned. "Why would they be making out on your desk?

"Because this is Ramon we're talking about. He will do whatever it takes to get on my last nerve."

"Fair point."

"Not to mention what he'd do to poor Hartley's lab."

Hartley, who had been whispering something to Linda about acceptable times to play matchmaker, turned back around in his seat. "Wait, what about my lab?"

"He'll probably use it to develop more efficient lubricant or something equally as ludicrous."

Hartley raised an eyebrow. "I'm not entirely against that."

"And he'll test it in your storage closet."

"No. If anyone's getting laid in my storage closet, it's me!"

"That's right!" Jay held up a fist and Hartley shook his head. "Come on, don't leave me hanging."

"I don't fist bump."

"Hart. Hartley. The Hart-man. Hartmon. Pied Piper. Piper of Pieds. Pipes."

" _Deodamnatus_! If I fist bump, will you stop?"

"Only one way to find out." Jay held the fist out invitingly and Hartley cringed, but bumped Jay's fist lightly with his own. "There you go. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Hartley shuddered. "I feel dirty."

Harrison barely managed to refrain from throwing something. "The directive to keep Ramon and Allen apart at S.T.A.R. Labs will be referred to as Operation Platypus."

Linda raised her hand enthusiastically. "Oh, oh, what about Operation Blueberry?"

Hartley rolled his eyes. "Could you be more obvious? It has his name in it."

"That's the idea. He'll never suspect it's about him if it has his name."

"Really? Why don't we just call it Operation 'Quick, Hide Cisco!'?"

Linda gave him the finger and Harrison's eye twitched.

Caitlin appeared to be thinking it over, gently chewing her lip. "What if we used a berry, just not one with the word berry in it?"

"Like what?"

"Red Currant?"

Jay shook his head. "We already have an ongoing operation Red Currant."

"We do?" Caitlin looked up and slightly left. "No, I don't think… really? Linda?"

Linda abruptly stop making the abort signal as Caitlin turned around and attempted to look natural with her hand up and by her shoulder. "No, no, we don't. No Operation Red Currant that you were never supposed to hear about, thank you very much, _Jay_."

Caitlin stared at her, eyes narrowing. Linda moved two feet to the left to put Jay between them.

Harrison felt his urge to throw something increase exponentially, but that would only encourage them. "It's Operation Platypus, end of discussion."

"But _why_?"

"Because it's unnatural and a clear sign that God, if he or she does exist, has a sick, twisted sense of humor."

Jay rolled his eyes. "You need to get laid – desperately – but, fine, you're the boss. Operation Platypus is a go."

* * *

[]

* * *

Of course, Operation Platypus was only going to be affective within the walls of S.T.A.R. Labs and Harrison could no more stop Cisco from doing something than he could stop a Tornado with the power of his stare. He could try, but it would only end in disaster and leave him feeling disappointed in his own inadequacies. There were times, however few and far between, when it was better to have never tried than to fail.

As such, he wasn't entirely unsurprised when, two days later, Cisco burst into his office, grinning manically. "I did it!"

"You finished the prototype that's been sitting on your desk for three months?"

"Uh, no." Cisco scoffed, closing the door behind him. "If I finish that, you'll just give me another boring project."

"You're a mechanical engineer, Cisco. I have to justify your continued employment somehow."

"Then give me something fun to work on. I'm young. I need to be stimulated."

Harrison looked up from his computer. "I refuse to stimulate you."

"Anyway, so not the reason I'm here. I took your advice and asked him out, as myself."

"And?"

"And I put my foot in it. It was horrible and embarrassing. There were Harry Potter references, Star Trek quotes may or may not have been thrown out there, and I briefly considered swallowing my own tongue to end my misery, but then he said yes and asked if I knew any good karaoke bars. We talked for an hour and he ordered a drink with enough caffeine and sugar to neutralize a small elephant and I think I'm already in love."

Of course he was. Harrison forced himself to smile. "Are you done?"

"Yes. No. He just moved here from National City and he's starting a job as a CSI. He has multiple degrees and not like that time I dated a hair dresser that had certificates in both cut and color. Harry, we can have real conversations."

"You had real conversations with the stylist. She taught you how to manage your hair."

"And she'll always have a special place in my heart for that."

"Mine, as well, although, I'll admit to a certain amount of disappointment that we never had the chance to initiate Operation Mercy Kill. It was the first time I'd ever seen the team really work together for a common goal."

"What goal was that?"

"The severing of your man-bun. They'd even agreed to let Hartley do the honors."

Cisco's hand moved involuntarily to his hair, stroking it protectively. "Seriously?! There's nothing wrong with a man-bun!"

"Is a phrase only ever uttered by people who wear man-buns."

"Don't think I won't bring it back."

"Don't think I won't re-initiate Operation Mercy Kill. It could be Hartley's Christmas bonus."

They stared off for several minutes, but it was Cisco who broke eye contact with an over-exaggerated groan. "Fine, whatever, I don't want the man-bun, anyway. I'm just saying, when I told Barry I was a mechanical engineer, he was all over it."

Only Harrison's years as a covert operative stopped him from tensing. While his agents maintained their employment at S.T.A.R. Labs as cover, it was also common practice not to discuss their place of employment with anyone outside of the facility. If pressed, the official line was that they worked at a private research facility. It often led to complications in their personal lives, but Harrison doubted he'd get lucky enough for that to deter Barry.

"We spent half the time talking about physics. He totally gets it, like he's not just putting up with it so he can get in my pants later. He's really interested in what I have to say. Not that he doesn't want to get in my pants – I caught him staring at my ass on the way out, so, yeah, I'm in there. Oh, hey, when is it socially acceptable to sleep with someone you want to have a serious relationship with? I'm thinkin' first date is too soon, but what about the second and what if we go on two dates in the same weekend, does that count as the same date?"

Harrison tapped his pen on the desk impatiently. "You do realize I actually have work to do? S.T.A.R. Labs isn't just a front. I have to turn a profit or I answer to a board of directors, none of whom are aware of my other affiliation, and who would be well within their rights to fire me. Now, was there anything else, or were you just…"

His phone beeped loudly followed by Linda's voice, monotone in its treachery. "Dr. Wells, you have a platypus on line two."

Cisco stared at the phone incredulously. "A _what_?"

The phone beeped again. "You heard me."

"Harry, what is she…"

Harrison was already out of his chair, though, ushering Cisco across the room and through the door, shutting it in his face as he sputtered questions.

He took a moment to pull his thoughts together before answering the call. "Allen, what can I do for you?"

"I was wondering when I could stop by for my physical? I have the next few days free, so I thought…"

He'd forgotten about the physical. How had he forgotten? It was mandatory before Barry could go out in the field, but if he came in now, he was bound to run into Cisco.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Snow isn't feeling well and there's really no rush. You'll have to complete your two month probationary period first."

"Right, of course, sorry. I'll get back with you next week. I hope she feels better."

This was going to be more difficult than he'd thought.

* * *

[]

* * *

"Ramon, I really don't have time for…"

"Okay, so, hypothetically, if you have sex on the first date, that doesn't mean it _isn't_ a serious relationship, right? Like, it doesn't change anything other than the fact that now I know he has a six pack and a throat that can make me forget the English language."

Harrison moved his pen through his fingers in an effort not to throw it. "Explain to me, in detail, how you've made it this far into adulthood without getting killed?"

Cisco pulled the absurd Blowpop out of his mouth and grinned. "Not for lack of trying, am I right? Remember the time I thought the Russian double agent was a high priced escort? The look on your face when she tried to stab me? Priceless. No, but seriously, it's still good, though, right? Because I want it to be good. Do you know what we did after sex? We discussed the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. He knows Monty Python. He has it memorized, Harry. We stayed in bed reciting every line and after that, we had sex again. Which brings me to my next hypothetic. If you spend an entire weekend with someone you've only gone on one date with and the only time you leave the bed is for food and a shower, can it still be serious?"

He threw the pen and Cisco wisely ran out of the room, yelling something about HR and abuse.

"Not to be pushy, Dr. Wells, but I'm getting near the end of my probation and I'd really like to get the physical out of the way so you can put me on the roster for field work."

"No."

"Uh… okay, but can I ask why?"

"You sound congested."

There was a lengthy pause. "Congested?"

"There's no use taking the physical if you're not a hundred percent, Allen."

"I'm not sick. Actually, I almost never get sick. I don't even really have allergies, so…"

"Get some rest and call back in a few days."

"But…"

Harrison hung up the phone and dropped his head to his desk.

* * *

[]

* * *

Why had he never realized how much time Cisco spent in S.T.A.R. Labs? He was always there, even when Harrison didn't think he was and he was never doing what he was supposed to. He could be anywhere at any time and the physical took three days minimum. There was no way he could hide Barry from Cisco inside of S.T.A.R. Labs for three days and no way he could keep Cisco out for that amount of time. Unless…

He pressed the intercom. "Linda!"

"What?!"

"Get in here!" She groaned, but dutifully marched the three feet to his door. "I need to send Ramon out on an assignment."

"Didn't he just get back from one a few months ago?"

"Allen needs to have his physical and I can't risk them bumping into each other."

"Okay, but our only open assignment is in Russia."

"Then send him to Russia.

Linda hesitated. "Are you sure? We already have an agent there under cover and Cisco has a history with Russia. Like, the _entire_ country. Every time he goes there, he gets into trouble. Remember when he was on vacation and stumbled across a human trafficking ring? Or the time he accidently slept with the son of a mafia boss? Or, my personal favorite, when he tried to convince the double agent it was okay he'd mistaken her for a prostitute because he wasn't thinking 'the cheap kind you get off the street, more like the really expensive ones that come to your hotel room.' The look on your face when she tried to stab him…"

"Linda…"

"I'm just saying there's a reason we all agreed to keep him out of Russia."

"Put a package together for Stein and have Cisco deliver it. That gets him out of the office for a few weeks and he isn't actually engaging the enemy. He should be fine."

"Yeah, but _Cisco_. In _Russia_."

"Send him."

* * *

[]

* * *

When Linda walked into his office two and half weeks later with a smug smile and two folders in hand, Harrison knew what she was going to say before she said it. Of course, he'd hoped he was wrong.

"Yes, Linda?"

"I've got good news and better news. What do you want first?"

"I will not hesitate to shoot you."

She rolled her eyes and approached him, setting the folders on his desk. "Agent Allen passed his physical with flying colors and is officially on the roster for upcoming missions. And might I add. Yum. Seriously, I would hit that in less than a heart beat. Too bad he's hopelessly devoted to his mystery boyfriend I've never met."

"Boyfriend?" It shouldn't come as a surprise really. They'd been seeing each other exclusively for nearly two months.

"Oh yeah, it's been official since the second date or the first, depending on who you ask. So, now, the better news. Remember when I said sending Cisco to Russia was a bad idea? Yeah, Agent Stein just called an extraction in for him and you know what that means."

He closed his eyes in a futile attempt to block her out.

"I get to say," she took a deep breath in, "I told you so. You hear me? I told you so. I. Told. You. So. God, just like sex, it gets better every time."

"Are you done?"

"No, hold on." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "I told you so."

"…"

"And now I'm done. I already dispatched the team. We should have Cisco back by tomorrow."

* * *

[]

* * *

His door flung open and he had just enough time to register Caitlin Snow in the doorway, whispering, "Platypus, platypus, platypus!" as Barry came in, staring at her in confusion.

"I'm sorry were just saying platypus?"

She blinked at him a few times before answering, "Yes. Yes, I was," then crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Barry with her lips tightly sealed.

Barry stared back, clearly expecting some kind of explanation that she had no intention of giving.

Harrison cleared his throat loudly enough to get the young man's attention. "You wanted to see me, Allen?"

"Huh? Oh!" Barry glanced at Caitlin again, but she clearly wasn't moving from the doorway, so he sat down and lowered his voice. "It's about my boyfriend."

Of course it was. "Your boyfriend?"

"Right, um, he works for a lab doing research and he went to Switzerland for three weeks to help with a study and when he came back, two of his fingers were broken." Harrison didn't need to be the head of a team of spies to know where this was going, but he was and he did. "He says some of the guys took him skiing and there was an accident, but the thing is, I got a look at his x-rays and the breaks are clean; almost like they were professional. In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was done by the Russians, but…"

"Let me stop you right there, Allen. I highly doubt your boyfriend ran afoul of Russian Interpol while doing research in the Swiss Alps." It had, in fact, been a small town outside of Moscow.

Barry's frown deepened. "I guess."

Harrison allowed himself an indulgent sigh. "If it would make you feel better, I can look into it."

There was instant relief and Barry relaxed into his chair. "That would be great. It's just… I get the feeling he's hiding something. The injuries aren't really consistent with a skiing accident."

"I'll let you know what I find. In the meantime, why don't you and Agent Snow go out? Get to know each other a little better?"

Caitlin's eyes widened in panic, but she managed to smother it with a welcoming smile before Barry turned around. They needed to distract him from his concern and a night out would do just that.

She shrugged. "Sure, why not."

Barry hesitated, but gave in. "Okay, but promise you'll look into it? His name is Francisco Ramon, date of birth…"

"I have your boyfriend on file, Allen. Go, have fun."

* * *

[]

* * *

"Dr. Wells, have you seen Caitlin? I've been with accounting all day and we finally sorted out the expenses, but there are a few receipts I need her to sign off on."

"She went out with Barry." Linda stared at him in utter silence until he finally looked up. "What?"

"Where did they go?"

"Out? She's distracting him from his concern over Cisco's injuries. I'm fairly certain I heard Barry mention karaoke."

Linda pressed a hand to her hip, eyes narrowed in a glare. "You realize Caitlin has stage fright and the only way she's getting up there is with large amounts of alcohol?"

"Probably. Why would that…" matter. Oh, dear _god_. "Operation Red Currant."

Linda groaned out her frustration for a full five seconds before pressing the blue tooth in her ear. "Jay Garrick. Jay, we have a Red Currant. I don't know, but she's with Barry and there's karaoke involved. Well, that's your job and one of the many reasons I've never signed up to be a field agent."

She crossed her arms over her chest maintaining unwavering and accusing eye contact with Harrison as Jay spoke in her ear. "Then _you_ can debrief the witnesses when she gets drunk and starts regaling the entire bar with details of her missions as a super secret spy, 'Shhhh, don't tell anyone.' Uh hu, that's what I thought. Take Hartley. Because you're too polite to tell people to fuck off, that's why."

And despite being her superior, Harrison felt suddenly very small under her piercing glare.

* * *

[]

* * *

Thankfully, they were able to locate them in time to run interference. While Harrison would have argued that staying until last call, getting hammered and singing a range of James Bond songs was not under the scope of Operation Red Currant, he couldn't argue its effectiveness. It had, among other things, impressed upon Barry the importance of said Operation, whereby Caitlin's low alcohol tolerance should be deemed a threat to national security, but they all loved her too much to let that happen.

Barry, on the other hand, had the tolerance of an eight hundred pound gorilla. He drank even Jay Garrick under the table and apparently had no hangover to speak of when Linda dropped by the CCPD to check on him the next morning, which was, as far as Harrison was concerned, definitive proof that there was no such thing as karma.

* * *

[]

* * *

"You have a pet platypus."

Harrison looked up at Cisco who'd marched in and slapped his palms on the wooden surface of his desk as if issuing a challenge. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You have a pet platypus and I will find it."

"Don't be absurd, Ramon."

"I'm not absurd. You're absurd for having a pet platypus. They're dangerous."

"They're not dangerous."

"They're from Australia and everyone knows that anything coming out of Australia has evolved to be terrifying."

"Are you done?"

"With that, yes." Cisco sat down in a chair and made himself comfortable. "So, ask me how my night went."

"I'm not asking how your night went."

"It was awesome, thank you very much! You know how I was all bummed out 'cause Barry had to miss our six month anniversary for that CCPD seminar?"

"Yes and I also distinctly remember telling you that it was ridiculous to celebrate an anniversary at only six months."

Which had, perhaps, been unfair. Despite the heartless demeanor Harrison presented to his employees and the world at large, he did remember what it was like to be young and in love. However, the seminar had been a cover for Barry's first field assignment and Harrison hadn't wanted to fuel Cisco's pouting, especially seeing as he'd chosen to do it in Harrison's office.

"Is there a point, Ramon?"

"Well, he got back late last night and he had a surprise for me." Really? That was the first he'd heard of Barry being back from Opal City. He must have skipped check in and gone straight home to see Cisco. "Tickets to comic-con, the really expensive, all access ones – he's already booked a hotel room and everything. The convention isn't for another six months, Harry, which means he still expects us to be together then."

Silently, Harrison calculated the chances of maintaining Operation Platypus indefinitely. Theoretically, they could manage. The two were so blindly in love with each other they overlooked things that would give even the most novice agent pause.

"I think… Harry, I want to ask him to move in with me."

And just like that the odds dropped dramatically. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why? He practically lives there now. We'd just be making it official."

"Yes, but practically is very different from officially. Practically, if you go off on a mission and get injured, you can come home to an empty apartment and get yourself pulled together before you see him. Officially, means he will be there the moment you walk in the door and there will be no hiding it from him and do we need to go over the secrecy clause of your contract again?"

"You're probably right." Cisco slumped down dejectedly and Harrison almost regretted bursting his happy little bubble.

Thankfully, before the guilt could attempt to settle in, Linda interrupted them. "Dr. Wells, there's a platypus on its way to see you."

"So, you _do_ have a pet platypus."

"I most certainly do not."

"Then what…"

"It's none of your concern, Ramon. Rathaway needs you in his lab."

Cisco cursed, but didn't say anything else as he stormed out of the room. When his footsteps had faded to a reasonable distance, Harrison turned his glare on the smiling Linda. "Why do you insist on making this so difficult?"

She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Because I can."

* * *

[]

* * *

"Agent Stein!"

At Linda's cry of delight, Harrison came out of his office and indeed, Martin Stein had returned from Russia and was currently wrapped in Linda's overzealous embrace.

"It's good to be back, Linda."

"How was Russia?"

"Productive, as always. I brought presents." He held up the bags in his hands. "Somewhere in there is a Russian National Hockey jersey worn and signed by Pavel Datsyuk. I was assured that was a 'big deal.'"

While she squealed happily, taking the bags from his hands to set them on her desk, Harrison offered his hand in greeting. "Welcome back."

Martin had come out of retirement at the request of the company and Harrison had agreed to take point as the Supervisory Agent, though technically, they were equals. "How have things been in my absence?"

"As well as can be expected."

"I'm to take it that, as you put it, the inmates are still running the asylum?"

"Unfortunately."

There was a soft knock on the door, barely a warning before Caitlin and Cisco came in, both rushing eagerly to hug Martin, exclaiming in unison. "You're back!"

Jay and Hartley were close behind and Harrison watched in amusement while Martin passed out the various souvenirs – an experimental, lab created metal for Cisco; a Venus Fly Trap that had been cross-pollinated with a carrot for Caitlin; the latest on their research into cold fusion for Jay; and for Hartley, "A signed record of a live performance by Alexander Scriabin – arguably the most difficult item to smuggle out of the country, as I had to liberate it from the private collection of a very prominent General."

"Thank you, Agent Stein."

Cisco gawked at the vinyl album that Hartley held with reverence. "I think he missed you most of all, Scarecrow."

Hartley elbows Cisco in the ribs.

"Dick!"

With Cisco nursing his bruised side, Harrison stepped in. "That's enough for now. You can harass Agent Stein when he's been properly debriefed and you're not on the clock."

Linda perked up. "Oh, a dinner party! What about tonight?"

Cisco shook his head. "Can't, I have plans with Barry. Can we do it tomorrow?"

"Barry?" Martin raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Would this be the same young man you were telling me about in Russia."

Cisco's grin as he nodded was a little too enthusiastic.

"That would mean you've been together… nearly ten months now? That's a new record for you, Cisco. Am I to take it this is serious?"

No, absolutely not. Harrison wasn't going to sit through another speech about how perfect Barry Allen was or how much Cisco loved him. "You can discuss Ramon's love life over dinner tomorrow. Now, back to work."

* * *

[]

* * *

"Operation Platypus, Harrison? Really?"

"What would you have called it?"

"Certainly not that. You really should leave the naming of operations to Cisco, he has such a knack for it."

Harrison would do no such thing. While he had say over the codenames for the agents under his employee, Ramon had taken it upon himself to give some of the more renowned criminal their own codenames.

Captain Cold, indeed. Snart had never looked so smug.

Martin shook his head. "While I find myself reluctantly impressed that you've managed to keep this going for as long as you have, you do realize they will eventually find out and when they do…"

He trailed off, leaving the ramifications to Harrison's imagination. "Of course, I'm aware. However, I intend to enjoy the peace and quiet for as long as I'm allowed."

* * *

[]

* * *

Cisco sat across from his desk in silence for a full ten minutes before he got up the nerve to speak. "I asked him to move in with me."

"Ramon, we talked about this."

"I know! But it's been a year and I love him and we were in our hotel room at comic-con after meeting George Takei and it just… it slipped out and he said yes and I don't want to take it back. I'm not taking it back. He already put in his one month notice with his landlord."

Harrison put his pen down and pressed his hands together on his desk to show exactly how serious he was. "How exactly do you expect to keep your identity as a spy for this facility a secret if you are living with the man?"

Cisco sat straighter, confident and determined in a way Harrison had rarely seen him and never when it involved someone he was dating. "I don't know, but if Martin Stein can do it, so can I."

* * *

[]

* * *

"Rathaway, this had better be important." Harrison gripped the phone tightly in his annoyance.

"Yeah, no, it is. Um… Apparently, the Russians found Cisco."

"They _what_?!" Although, to be fair, if anyone was going to interrupt Harrison about anything during the Company's annual budgetary conference… "How?"

"No idea, but one of the double agents saw pictures of him with Barry going into Cisco's apartment building on the desk of what she described as a very bad man. Sir, I know this isn't a great time, but…"

"I'm in Japan."

"Yes, be that as it may, I need your authorization to do an emergency retrieval and considering they know about Barry…"

"Operation Platypus is in the can. You have my authorization. I'll text Cisco that a helicopter will be waiting for them on the roof in fifteen. I'll be on a plane within the hour."

* * *

[]

* * *

He left Linda to finish the conference on his behalf and was ascending the narrow steps to the private jet when his phone started buzzing in his back pocket. He expected Cisco, ready to yell obscenities at him for forcing him to unnecessarily lie to his boyfriend for a year. Instead, he saw Hartley's name.

"I'm getting on the plane as we speak. Tell Cisco…"

"They didn't meet up with the helicopter. The apartment was empty. We found Whiskers outside on the balcony."

Cisco never would have allowed that stupid cat out and for all that Harrison complained, loudly and often, he did care about Cisco. The boy was immature, reckless and purposefully annoying, but he was also the closest thing to a son Harrison had.

"Find them."

* * *

[]

* * *

"They're fine."

He'd been barely stepped foot inside S.T.A.R. Labs before he was intercepted by Caitlin. Harrison had never felt more relieved to hear those words.

"They're in medical right now, a little roughed up, some bruised ribs, but nothing's broken. I gave them IV's and pain killers just to be sure."

"Have they said anything?"

"Not really. Well… Cisco did threaten to shove his foot up your ass, but I'm pretty sure that was metaphorical. Go, apologize if you can manage, and I'll be by to check on them later."

He stepped through the secure doors that led to their private wing and was immediately greeted with stifling silence. Apparently, the other agents had made themselves scarce in an effort to give Cisco and Barry privacy. He stopped just out of site of the door to Caitlin's medical lab and listened to the steady, reassuring beeping of the heart monitors. It wasn't as if Cisco had never been in danger, they faced life or death two, occasionally three times a year, but never this close to home.

The silence was broken Barry, his voice soft and nervous. "Hey."

Cisco's followed shortly after, just as tenuous. "Hey."

A rustling of clothe indicated movement and a moment later, Cisco asked, "What are you doing?"

"Here, shake my hand."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Okay, now what?"

"Hi, I'm Barry Allen, codename the Flash due to an incident involving a dare that Supergirl thought I would be too embarrassed to follow through with. Unfortunately, she vastly underestimated my nineteen-year-old-self's need to be accepted by my piers. She swears they erased the security footage, but I have my doubts."

"I was recruited halfway into my first year of college by Agent Cat Grant. My dad was in prison for a crime he didn't commit and the company offered me the money and resources I needed to prove that. When he won his appeal last year, I transferred here to be closer to him and my foster family. I have no car, an apartment I hate, but I'm never there, and an addiction to caffeine that rivals a crack addict."

Cisco chuckled and then groaned in pain.

Barry continued, undeterred. "Seriously, I can't even function in the morning. I literally crawl to the kitchen. I also have an amazing boyfriend that asked me to marry him and I said yes."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, only I'm kind of worried, because I think his cat is trying to kill me."

"Whiskers is not trying to kill you."

"He hides behind the chair and attacks my ankles every time I go to the bathroom."

"That's how he shows his love."

"I'm also really concerned about what you consider an appropriate display of affection." Cisco laughed again, softer. "Now you."

"You want me to…?"

"Mhm."

"Okay, um, hi? I'm Francisco Ramon, but friends call me Cisco. My codename is Vibe because I said so and Harry doesn't have the patience to put up with my bullshit. Full disclosure, I can be really annoying when I want something. He recruited me out of highschool, took me in and supported me when no one else would. My family, they love me, but they don't understand me. He gets me and, yeah, he's a total dick and he throws things at me sometimes…"

"I'm beginning to understand your relationship with Whiskers."

"Shut up." Said with enough affection that Harrison could practically see the smile behind the words. "I have these crazy awesome friends that I've been dying to introduce my boyfriend to. They would totally love him. And I think my boss has a platypus."

"For real?!"

"Yeah, Linda's always rushing in saying it's on the phone or coming to see him and now that I'm saying that out loud, I'm beginning to think it's not really a platypus."

"Bro, I'm pretty sure _I'm_ the platypus."

"That makes a lot more sense."

"So, you still wanna get married?"

"Totally."

"Awesome. Can I kiss you now?"

"If you don't, I'm filing a complaint with HR."

"We have an HR?!"

There was muffled laughter, followed by the unmistakable sound of kissing and Harrison decided against interrupting them. He did, however, position himself at the end of the hallway and wait for Caitlin to return.

She gave him a curious glance, but continued walking without word. Harrison silently counted down as she turned the corner into the room and…

"Cisco, Barry, it time for… oh, my _god_! That is not… One patient per bed, Agents! Cisco, get your hand out of his pants and, Barry, put your shirt back on! This is a professional clinic!"

And that was the story of how Cisco met Barry and how, for the first time, Harrison got to be the one to say 'I told you so.'

-the end-


	2. Operation Vesuvius

Summary: It's that time of year again – the Bi-Annual Team Bonding -Competition- Exercise. Only this year, Cisco's broken every company rule he can get his hands on and invited both the Star City and National City Teams to join them in a friendly game of Laser Tag. In Las Vegas. What could possible go wrong?

* * *

[]

* * *

 **Operation Vesuvius**

"Operation Vesuvius."

"We're not calling it that, Harry."

"I'm your supervisor and if I say we're calling it Operation Vesuvius, then we are."

"Why?"

"Because it's going to be a disaster, Ramon, that's why."

"It's not a disaster! It's the bi-annual team bonding competition."

"It's not a competition, it's an exercise and, more importantly, it's Laser Tag. In Vegas."

"Yeah, well, where else were we gonna have it? We've been band from all the Paint Ball and Laser Tag facilities in and around the greater Central City area. Not to mention that one cake shop. Who knew a team of highly trained spies would take cake decorating that seriously?"

The vein at Harrison's left temple throbbed threateningly. "Getting banned is the least of our concerns. You invited both the National and Star City teams to participate. Do you know how many Company protocols you breached?"

"Enough to get you fired?"

Harrison tightened his grip on his pen.

"Severely reprimanded?"

His eye twitched.

"No wait, Linda gave you a stern talking to."

"Linda is thrilled. As you're aware, she runs the intercompany fantasy football league."

"The one you refuse to participate in every year?"

"Yes, well, Linda called in every favor she had to keep this from coming back to me or you and, as such, I _owe_ her. I will not only be participating with our team this year, but I will be hosting the games at my home."

"She's forcing you to socialize with us outside of work?" Cisco's grin widened. "How dare she!"

"I see you find this as amusing as she does."

"Oh, no, I'm pretty sure I'm more amused. Wait, does this mean you're cooking for us?"

Harrison resisted the urge to beat his head against his desk. Instead, he pointed at the door with a simple. "Out."

"Whatever. Limo service is at eight and if you don't show, we will kidnap you."

"Don't count on it."

* * *

[]

* * *

He knew something was wrong when he sluggishly regained consciousness – mostly because he couldn't remember losing it in the first place.

There was a hum at his feet and familiar leather under his hands and it took a moment to force his eyes open, but when he did, it only confirmed what he suspected. He was on a plane. _His_ plane – well, the company plane – and by the sounds of laughter and talking, he wasn't alone.

Cisco.

He rolled his head to the right and saw Linda sitting next to him, a bottle of water in her perfectly manicured hand. She looked over at him, paused, and then leaned in closer, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Are you awake or are you sleeping with your eyes open again?"

"I will kill you all."

She broke into a wide smile and turned to the plane's other occupants, further down the aisle. "He's awake! Who had 'death threat for everyone involved'?"

He tipped his head to look back through the crack between the seats and Caitlin raised the nearly empty glass of wine in her hand. "Yes! Suck it, Jay!"

A voice rose above the others, excited and disturbingly familiar. "Dad!"

Jessie pushed through the crowd and what was his daughter doing here? He'd taken great care to hide this side of his work from her. It had, of course, been impossible to keep her from S.T.A.R. Labs entirely, but he'd done his best to protect her from the corruptive influence of his agents and he'd thought he was doing a good job of it.

Apparently not.

She rested her elbows on the back of Linda's seat. "Sorry about drugs, but there was no way we were getting you on the plane without them."

Drugs. Of course. She must have dosed him the night before. He was one part angry and two parts impressed that she would have been conniving enough to use his trust in her to aid and abet his kidnapping. Not that he would tell her that, because kidnapping was a federal offense and he didn't want to encourage her.

"What are you doing here?"

" _I_ am going to Vegas. I'm so excited and, seriously, Dad, you've worked for a secret spy organization this entire time without telling me? That's just rude." Linda patted his knee sympathetically as she stood to leave, giving Jessie the space to plop down next to him. "I thought we agreed no more lies."

"Technically, yes, however, that was only five years ago. My position as the head of an elite team of spies pre-dates that by more than ten years and was grandfathered in as a standing deception."

Jessie nodded a few times, then shook her head once and smacked him upside the head with her water bottle before dropping into his lap. He took it gratefully. The drugs had made his mouth dry and his head still felt fuzzy.

When he'd finished half the bottle, he resumed their conversation. "How long have you known?"

"Nearly two years."

"What?!"

"You're good at keeping secrets, Dad, but you're not that good." He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Fine, you fell asleep on the couch with your laptop open. There was a file folder labeled Operation Platypus, which, really? _Barry_ the Platypus? How has your team not figured out you're a closet Phineas and Ferb fan?"

"Because they believe I am incapable of humor and it will remain that way."

He leveled her with a stare and she chuckled softly and drank her own water. "Anyway, I've been dropping hints and waiting for you to tell me on your own, but when it became clear you weren't going to, I went to Linda and she told me everything. She also set this up by the way; said you deserved it for keeping me in the dark for so long."

"I'm a spy. It's my job to keep people in the dark."

"Yeah, but I'm not people, I'm your daughter."

He would have argued if she hadn't been right and she had been dropping hints, now that he thought about - binging on espionage themed movies, leaving James Bond books around the house, a surprisingly accurate use of current spy lingo.

Ah well, what's done was done. All that was left was to mitigate the damage. He tried to settle back in his seat, but something nagged at him. Something was missing. Wait. "Where are Ramon and Allen?"

"Flying the plane."

"They what?!" Neither of them had a pilot's license. Barry had, as far as he knew, never shown an interest. Cisco had taken classes, but been kicked out of for reckless endangerment.

"I'm kidding!" Oh, thank god. "They went to the bathroom. Something about a mile high club? I don't know, but Jay says he'll help me fill out an application after they're done."

Harrison didn't hesitate to reach for the gun he kept strapped to his ankle, which wasn't there, because they had apparently disarmed him. Good for them – well, most of them. If Jay thought the lack of a convenient weapon was going to stop him, he was…

Jessie slapped her knee and doubled over in her seat laughing. "Come on, Dad, I'm nineteen. Like I don't know what the mile high club is and you know me better than that. Jay Garrick? Really? Linda! Linda, he fell for it!"

For the love of all that was holy, what had he done to deserve this?

* * *

[]

* * *

"Kara!"

"Barry!"

"Winn!"

"Barry!"

"Alex!"

"Barry!"

"James!"

"What up, man? Nah, I'm kidding, bring it in here!"

"I missed you guys so much!"

Harrison stayed at the entrance to the suite, carefully distanced from the crowd of enthusiastic twenty-somethings currently engaged in a mass hug. It wasn't difficult to stay out of dodge, as it were. Company Agents were nothing if not paranoid and there were safety in numbers. The suite had four bedrooms, one for each team with a separate room for the engaged couple, because sharing a room didn't mean they'd keep their hands off each other. The copy room, Hartely's lab, the medical bay, and Harrison's office could attest to that.

So far, only the National City team had arrived. Star City wasn't far behind – half an hour at most, according to a text he'd received from Supervisory Agent Quentin Lance.

After a few seconds, they dispersed and Supervisory Agent Cat Grant stepped forward. "Let me have a look at you. Have you lost weight?"

She dragged critical eyes up and down Barry, before turning on Harrison. "You aren't feeding him properly."

Harrison glared at her across the room. "Feeding him isn't my job."

"It most certainly is. Agent Allen, I believe I'm overdue for a hug."

As soon Cat let go of him, Barry ran over to grab Cisco, pulling him forward by the shoulders. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Kara, Win, Alex, James, and Agent Grant. Everyone, this is Caitlin, Jay, Hartley, Jessie, and Linda."

Barry pushed Cisco forward in front of the crowd of eager vultures, prepared to swoop in on him at Barry's signal. "And this is my fiancé, Cisco Ramon."

And swoop they did. The moment Barry's hand left Cisco's back, the four agents were on him, arms tangled together in greeting while Cat hung back, waiting for her opening patiently. Cisco patted their backs a little awkwardly and Harrison enjoyed every moment of the clear discomfort.

When it became clear they weren't letting go anytime soon, Cisco looked back over his shoulder imploringly. "Barry, little help here."

Barry chuckled into his fist, "Sorry, bro, you're on your own."

Kara shoved the others off Cisco, but kept a grip on his shoulders, turning to the rest of Barry's team. "We bullied Agent Grant into renting out the rooftop pool and bar for the evening. So, all of you get changed, because we need to know absolutely everything Barry has been up to in Central."

"Everything?" Cisco turned his head slowly around to look at Barry, grinning and Barry's smile dropped.

"Oh, no, it… that's not necessary."

"Oh, I think it is." Cisco looked back at Kara. "Five minutes. Agents, assemble!"

While the others retreated to their respective rooms, Barry chased Cisco into their suite, presumably to try and convince him not to tell the National City team about his Central City exploits. Harrison could have told Barry that it was a fruitless endeavor – once Cisco had made up his mind about something, it was nearly impossible to change it. Then again, Barry had tools at his disposal Harrison had never been willing to employee.

* * *

[]

* * *

"Do you remember when inter-company fraternization was considered a crime?"

Quentin nodded solemnly. "Keeping secret identities, even from other agents was our highest priority."

Cat swirled her cocktail lazily in her hand. "Second only to getting the mission done."

They all three sighed longingly as they watched the rampant fraternization currently on display. At least it was contained.

Quentin Lance and his team had arrived shortly after they'd made it to the rooftop, joining in the merriment while Harrison, Quentin, and Cat stood by the door, prepared to intervene if it became necessary. Not that Harrison expected it to. Despite his complaints about his team's childishness, they did have enough common sense not to get so drunk they couldn't handle themselves if the need arose.

"Jay, piggyback me to the bar!"

Well, most of them, but he could make allowances for Caitlin.

J'onn J'onzz, Oliver Queen, Sara Lance, and John Diggle were huddled together by the railing that overlooked the lights of the city. Curtis Holt, Felicity Smoak, and Hartley were sitting at the bar speaking in hushed tones as they compared the various dangerous tech and illegal hacking operations they'd pursued. Jay was, as always, wearing an impeccable suit, and had been standing by the edge of the pool with Caitlin. Thea Queen, Jessie, and Linda were floating around on various inflatables near the lounge chairs where Barry was currently sitting, his head buried in Cisco's lap, while Kara and Alex Danvers along with Winn Schlott and James Olsen went into a detailed description of the incident that had earned Barry his code name.

"And we didn't think he'd go through with it."

"I mean, I know he said he would…"

"…but we _all_ say that and we _all_ chicken out."

"Everyone."

"Since back when this started, like when J'onn was new to the agency, so, we're talking stone ages."

J'onn's voice carried over from the balcony, deep and disapproving. "I heard that, Agent Danvers."

Kara ignored him. "So, we're sitting in the after hours meeting, going over the current mission parameters, and Barry runs in, wearing a trench coat and a red face mask and he just…"

Kara made the motion to indicate the opening of a coat and Cisco gawked. "He didn't."

Winn nodded. "Oh, he did. It was… _all_ out there."

Alex grabbed an onion ring out of the basket between them. "He didn't even put a sock over the dangly bits."

Barry mumbled, "I hate you guys so much right now," into Cisco's thigh.

Apparently, that only encouraged Kara. "So then I spit my strawberry smoothie out all over the floor – which, by the way, is beige, I can't even tell you the number of times we've had to replace that carpet. The blood stains alone. So, I spit out my smoothie, Winn dropped his coffee, Alex literally inhaled her cupcake and J'onn had to give her the Heimlich , and Cat just sat there, un-phased, and said, 'Impressive, Mr. Allen, but we don't need a stripper for this mission. Have a seat.'"

"Oh my god."

"He spent the entire meeting on the sofa in that trench coat."

Barry turned his head to look up at Cisco. "It was mortifying."

"Yeah, and it put a ban on initiation pranks."

James patted Barry's shoulder. "I have never been so grateful for another human being's sacrifice."

Cisco chuckled, but smoothed the hair out of Barry's face with gentle fingers. "Want me to kiss it better?"

Barry sat up, leaning into a kiss that quickly deepened and Harrison became very interested in his martini until Winn interrupted them. "So, how'd you get Vibe?"

Barry settled back against Cisco's shoulder, face still red, but content as Cisco answered, "I annoyed Harry into letting me choose my own codename."

"You…" James raised one eyebrow, "annoyed your supervisory agent into letting you choose your own codename?"

Barry laced his finger with Cisco's. "I know. If anyone else tried it, Agent Wells would shoot them on principle."

Jay stopped as he got back to the pool, Caitlin hanging off him for balance, and confirmed, "That is a fact."

Caitlin giggled once and her face suddenly went stone cold sober as she shoved Jay into the pool. "The bullet barely grazed his thigh, he only needed one stitch."

Harrison blinked in surprise and he wasn't the only one. The entire balcony had frozen, smothered with silence for the first time since they'd stepped foot on it. Jay broke the water, sputtering. "The hell, Caitlin!? Do you have idea how much this suit cost? It's Armani."

Caitlin scoffed. "You have twenty of them in your closet, big guy. I counted."

"Well, it's nineteen now." He rubbed the water off his face. "I hope you're happy."

"I am, thank you." She turned to Barry and Cisco. "I've been wanting to do that since he insisted on wearing one of those stupid suits to the last team bonding competition. Seriously, who wears Armani to a paintball competition?"

Cisco nodded sagely. "She's just pissed because he won."

"It was distracting."

"That was the point!" Jay pulled himself up over the end, only to have Caitlin's foot press into his chest, shoving him back in.

"Anyway, I am _exhausted_ and we have a big day tomorrow. Try not to do anything that requires medical attention until at least eight."

Harrison stared as she walked, not stumbled, through the doors and to the elevators. Jay had surfaced again, but hadn't bothered getting out of the water, content to seethe with his elbows on the ledge.

The seconds ticked by, until James Olsen finally broke the silence. "Did anyone know she was sober?"

There was a muttering of negatives and Harrison had to admit, not even he had suspected she was using her low tolerance for alcohol as a ruse to get Jay to drop his guard long enough to reap her revenge.

She was good.

* * *

[]

* * *

While Harrison had been insisting that he wasn't coming to what he was sure would be a complete fiasco, Cat and Quentin had known he would. Quentin had bet that Cisco would guilt him into getting on the plane, while Cat had put her money on subterfuge.

Never bet against Agent Cat Grant.

To that end, they'd booked him a room between theirs, without which, he would have been forced to sleep in the same room as his team, a fate he would have preferred to avoid. It also meant that he had somewhere to hide Jessie, because his team was bad enough on it's own without adding National City's bubbly brightness or Star City's doom and gloom.

They'd been able to get up and dressed without incident and by the time they made it to the suite the other teams had shared, a large breakfast buffet had been set out and most of the agents were up and milling around the room, gathering their strength for day's competition.

Cisco was sitting on the edge of the couch, hover over Oliver, who seemed unimpressed by the man-child eating brightly colored, over sugared cereal as he attempted to persuade Oliver to join the competition. "No, it's really simple, Oliver. Participation is mandatory. Did you even read the Rules of Engagement I sent you?"

"The one that began with 'Rule 1 of the Bi-Annual Team Bonding Exercise: There are no rules'?"

"Yes!"

"No." He somehow managed to stay stoic in the face of Cisco's pout. "I'm not playing Laser Tag."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

Felicity sighed, "It's no use, guys. He's too stubborn."

Barry came up behind Cisco, wrapping his arms around the other man's waist and rested his chin on a shoulder. "Tell him about the consequences."

"Right, so, you either play or face the consequences."

Oliver didn't so much as raise an eyebrow. "What consequences?"

"We Weekend at Bernie's you."

"Weekend at Bernie's?"

"Yeah, you know, like that movie where the guy dies and they spend the weekend trying to convince people he's alive by walking his corpse around."

Barry nodded, "Yeah, only it's drugs. We don't actually kill anyone. Except that one time, but that was an accident."

Cisco frowned. "Well, kind of an accident. He was a _really_ bad man and technically, the mission statement didn't say we _couldn't_ kill him."

"But the point is, it's in the rules. You either participate, or we Weekend at Bernie's you."

Oliver, who had sat stoically through the entire thing, crossed his arms over his chest. "You aren't going to Weekend at Bernie's me."

Cisco chuckled, "Yeah, we are."

"No, you're not."

"Yeah, we are."

"No. You're not."

"You know, that's what Harry said. Isn't that right, Harry?"

Harrison shuddered at the memory. "There are pictures of me at a Justin Bieber concert."

"See?"

Oliver didn't respond and Cisco let it drop, but Harrison could already see the man's doom written on the younger agent's gleeful smile.

Cat sidled up to him with a Danish and a frown. "This is going to be nothing short of a disaster."

"Operation Vesuvius."

She turned her head to look at him, eyebrows raised. '"Is that what you're calling it?"

"Yes, it is."

"Martin was right. You really should leave the names to Ramon."

* * *

[]

* * *

Harrison had the sinking feeling he was looking at his future.

They'd arrived at the Laser Tag facility and been escorted to the arena, where harnesses and laser guns had been set out on a table. Despite not being an agent, Jessie had immediately grabbed a harness started trying to put it on. After a few minutes of fumbling, Cisco had jumped in and helped her.

"It snaps shut here and… here."

She looked down at the green light on her chest with wide eyes. "How does it work?"

Kara pointed at the green lights on the front and back. "These are the targets. As long as they're green, you're still in the game. If someone tags them with the laser, they turn red and you're out."

"Let me see the gun." Kara obliged and Jessie held it in her hands like a natural. "I am so doing this with you guys next time."

"Okay, people, listen up!" The room fell onto silence, everyone's attention at the front, where Linda was standing with an almost manic smile. "This may be team bonding, but it is also an individual competition. Think of it like the Hunger Games."

Harrison scowled. "Agent Park, this is _not_ the Hunger Games."

Kara shrugged. "It's kinda like the Hunger Games."

Winn grinned broadly. "Yeah, I think I saw a cake up there."

Cisco raised his gun in the air, yelling, "I volunteer as tribute!"

Linda crossed her arms over chest. "That's great, Katniss, but suicides don't get cake."

Cisco's gun dropped with a pout and Barry wrapped an arm around him consolingly.

"Through this door behind me is a set of stairs that will lead you to an observation room, where televisions have been set up so that we can view the competition in progress and make sure there's no cheating, which, I mean, there really isn't a point to that. It's anything goes, so, really we're just watching it for laughs. Trust me, it's hilarious."

Harrison sighed deeply, rolling his head to get the cricks out of his neck.

"For clarification, as we aren't field agents, Felicity and I are exempt. Agent Grant and Oliver have declined to participate. Of course, by declining, you are hereby on notice of the consequences as laid out by Cisco in the Rules of Engagement. Well, not you, Agent Grant, Barry says he respects you too much for that. So, Oliver, you've been warned."

Cisco pointed a finger at Oliver in warning, to which Oliver narrowed his eyes in a silent challenge.

"Now, as Winn pointed out, there is indeed conciliatory cake in the observation room for those who've been tagged, as well as pizza and popcorn."

Thea looked around at the other before tentatively asking, "What does the winner get?"

"To lord it over the rest us until next year's competition."

Alex licked her lips, slowly working through it. "So, let me get this straight? You're going to sit in an observation room, eating pizza and popcorn and watching the rest of us run around trying to knock each other out of the competition until there's only one left standing and the only thing the winner gets in a year's worth of bragging right?"

Curtis gaped, eyes wide. "This is exactly like Hunger Games."

Linda smirked, "You have thirty seconds to find yourself a starting position. May the odds be ever in your favor."

With that, she turned and left, Cat, Oliver, Felicity, and Jessie following her through the exit.

* * *

[]

* * *

There had been an immediate division into teams. While there could be only one winner and the agents generally worked alone, team dynamic was drilled into them from the beginning. Your team was your family, sometimes literally, as with Sara and Quentin who had immediately pealed off from the rest.

Thea, John, and Curtis banded together while the entire National City team of J'onn, Alex, Kara, and Winn immediately formed a protective grouping. Caitlin and Jay vanished together, while Barry, Cisco, and Hartley teamed up.

Harrison knew better. Starting in a group was opening himself up to back stabbing and deception and if he was being forced to participate, he intended to win. When he was sure he had a handle on who had teamed up with whom, he ran off to find himself a good foothold.

The arena was roughly the size of a large grocery store, with a twenty foot ceiling and a maze of ten foot half walls and false rock formations. There was no music, leaving the arena silent. The only light was what illuminated from the obnoxiously bright flourescents that lit up under the black lighting.

It was ridiculous, but as someone who rarely got in the field anymore, Harrison had to admit there was a certain amount of appeal to the physical exertion. A rush of…

The buzzer sounded and immediately, he heard a shot not far from his location and a cry of, "What the hell, Sara?!"

"Sorry, Dad!"

Over the speaker, Linda's voice declared, "Quentin Lance."

Dear god, it really was like the Hunger Games. This was the last time he let her plan one of these events unsupervised.

Another round of fire, further off, signaled another betrayal and the speaker announced, "Curtis Holt."

"Guys!"

Thea's voice was placating and not nearly apologetic enough, "Sorry, Curtis. No offense, but you are the weak…" A short burst of fire. "Damnit, John!"

"Never drop your guard, kid."

"Thea Que… No… You can't… Oliver, this isn't…"

"I'm disappointed, Thea. You are better than that."

"You told him to watch out for me!"

"And I told you not to trust anyone."

"Oh… Whatever, Ollie!"

A very small part of Harrison was horrified at the ease with which the Star City team had turned on each another; the rest of him was equal parts impressed and jealous. If only his own team had that much commitment to the mission.

He stayed in position for several more minutes, waiting for more gunfire, but apparently his own team and National City's were less quick to take out the competition. Now, he had to decide whether it was better to hunker down in place and wait it out for as long as he could, or try to pick some of the others off.

His current position wasn't as secure as he would like. It would be easy for a group to flank him. Which meant it was time to move.

Slowly, he made his way out and peered around one corner, checking to make sure it was clear before moving forward again. A faint noise to his left alerted him just in time to duck around another wall and avoid Sara Lance. Another sound alerted him to the presence of someone else in the general vicinity.

It was too early in the game for his team to have turned on each other and there had been no indication that National City had met with discourse among its ranks, which left John Diggle. Given the choice, Harrison would rather not face either of them. However, considering where those footsteps were headed, he may not have to.

He dropped into a crouch in the shadow and waited. A moment later the crack of metal hitting the floor reverberated through the room and smoke came pouring out from the walls in his general area, followed quickly by yelling and gunfire.

"Smoke bombs?!" That wasn't Diggle. It was someone else far enough away that they weren't currently holding a shirt over their face to prevent themselves from coughing and giving aware their location. "Who the hell brings smoke bombs to Laser Tag?!"

The laser fire cut off as Sara answered, "You're lucky I left the live rounds at the hotel!"

"There are live rounds in our hotel?!"

"Oh, come on, Winn, there are live rounds in my suitcase." That was Alex Danvers.

Kara chirped in next, happily declaring. "I slept with a gun strapped to my ankle and a knife under my pillow."

"What is wrong with you people? We're on vacation!"

There was a slight shuffle above him and he looked up to see Sara, who had apparently managed to scale the half wall and was perched at the corner, looking down over the maze.

Cheater.

If Quentin Lance wasn't her father, Harrison would seriously consider recruiting her out from under him.

She stood wordlessly, firing her weapon with precision and he took the opportunity to take his own shot, hitting her in the back. At the vibration on her chest, she looked around, confused and found him in shadow just as the speaker announced, "John Diggle. Sara Lance. Star City is out."

Sara gave him a small, silent salute before jumping off the wall, landing with barely a thud.

With Star City out, that left four National City Agents and his own five.

There were several more tense moments of silence before Harrison decided it was best to move positions. A foothold was one thing, but in cases like this, staying sedentary for too long made it difficult to get moving again with any speed – and that wasn't because he was getting old, thank you very much, Linda, for putting that thought in his head.

After at least five minutes of skulking around, he finally heard the sound of whispered voices coming from just on the side of the wall.

"My field expertise is stealth, not combat situations." He instantly recognized Hartley's annoyed ranting.

"Stop whining." And he could actually hear the roll of Cisco's eyes.

"I'm not whining, I'm pointing out the obvious. Unless you have a ruffee you need me to slip someone, I'm useless to you."

"You're not useless. You're canon fodder." And there was Barry's cheerfully misplaced optimism.

"I don't know why I agreed to team up with you two."

"Because, like you said, combat situations aren't your expertise and it was between watching Caitlin and Jay suck face or Barry and me and well, you're here, aren't you?"

"How is this my life?"

Harrison stifled a sigh from where he was hidden. They were distracted. It would be easy enough to pick them off. He was about to do just that when a shuffle somewhere close by caught his attention and he froze in place, listening.

There were footsteps. Two pairs. It was either Caitlin and Jay, or the National City team had split up.

Harrison pressed his back into the wall and slid around the corner. It took him a few seconds, but he was able to find another entrance to the alcove Barry, Cisco, and Hartley were holed up in. It was fairly well protected, but with two openings, it would make an easy ambush.

He'd have to talk to them about strategy later. Although, they usually weren't that careless.

From his vantage point, he couldn't see them, but he could see the opening on the other side of their foothold. The footsteps were getting closer. It wouldn't be long now and Hartley was still talking, rambling really. While he would like to think better of his team, there was a good chance they hadn't heard it. Better to wait, let whoever it was fight it out with the three and pick off the winners.

"I have degrees, multiple degrees. I have a doctorate. I could have done anything I wanted, but no, I decided to be a spy, because it sounded fun. I'd have access to resources that weren't on the open market, immunity for my less… ethical experiments. I…"

Under his annoyed rant, Harrison heard Barry whisper something unintelligible and then Harrison had to duck back a little further, because Cisco shoved Barry into his line of site, pushing his against the wall between the openings with a hungry kiss.

Barry, for his part, looked startled, but kissed back just as eagerly before pulling away, breathless. "Not really…" he sucked in air, eyes rolling as Cisco latched onto his neck just bellow his ear. "sure this is a good… a good time."

Cisco nipped at his ear lobe, whispering. Barry looked down at Cisco, eyebrows together in confusion before they rose up in realization. "Oh!"

Then Barry reached down to grab Cisco under his thighs and pulled him up with a soft grunt, turning them around so Cisco was pressed between him and the wall, legs wrapped tightly around Barry's waste.

Cisco matched Barry's grin with one of his own. "Show off."

In lieu of a response, Barry went back to making out with his fiancé, adjusting his grip to tighten one hand on Cisco's thigh while the other pushed his hair out of the way and held it there, cupping the back of Cisco's head.

Hartley groaned. "Can you two not stay off each other for ten minutes?"

On the other side, Harrison saw the shadow of someone approaching. He couldn't say he was surprised by what happened next, although he was surprised by how well it worked.

Winn stepped into view, laser gun at the ready and immediately froze, his face turning a deep red as he turned away quickly, fumbling over words of apology. "Oh, god… no… guy, I'm sorry. I didn't…"

Without breaking their kiss, Cisco's had dropped from Barry's shoulder to pull his gun out of the pocket of his black cargo pants. He took the shot and Winn cursed as the light went red. "Damnit!"

"Winslow Schlott."

Retreating steps indicated his partner, whoever it had been, had left and Winn turned to to face his shooters. "Not cool, guys!"

Barry finally broke the kiss with a laugh, "Sorry, Winn."

"I'll get even." He pointed at them. "Mark my words."

As he stormed off, Cisco dropped his forehead to Barry's shoulder and Barry chuckled into the thick black hair, still holding Cisco against the wall. "I can't believe that worked."

Cisco huffed, "I can't believe Harry thinks we haven't noticed him."

Before Harrison could react, Hartley jumped out, gun forward and Harrison felt the vibration in his chest as the light on his vest changed from green to red.

Linda's voice mocked him over the speaker. "Harry Wells."

Slowly, he stood, ignoring Hartley's distinctly smug expression. "Well played, gentlemen. Well played."

* * *

[]

* * *

"It was a _team_ exercise."

"Well then maybe your pep talk should have been a little more about teamwork and a little less 'trust no one.'"

"You have to watch your back, Thea. You're too…"

"Trusting?" Oliver scowled. "That's what I thought."

She turned in her seat, facing forward and away from her brother, who had been lecturing her from the second row of the theater seating in the middle of the observation room. She held her popcorn out for Jessie beside her, eyes riveted on the six television screens, showing various angles of the arena.

Linda was laid across two of the seats, her head in Thea's lap and a microphone in her hand. Jessie was on Thea's other side, still wearing the vest and holding one of the laser guns, occasionally pointing it at the screen with what he was almost certain was supposed to be a threatening smile. Sara had sat beside Jesssie and was walking through the names of various maneuvers the teams were performing, explaining their movements and Jessie listened with rapt attention.

The audio from the arena was fed through speakers into the observation room. Although, it had been mostly silent for a while now.

The fewer people that were left in the arena, the longer it took for someone to get tagged.

Hartley had been the next to go, used as a shield by Cisco against enemy fire.

Fifteen minutes later, Cisco went down, taken out by J'onn, and they were forced to listen to a long winded speech from Barry about avenging his death.

Barry took out J'onn half an hour later, but was tagged himself not ten minutes after by Alex and while he denied it, Harrison was one hundred percent certain he'd done it on purpose. Especially considering the way Cisco and him were huddled together in the seats, practically wrapped around each other like co-dependant octopi.

Linda hadn't even finished saying Barry's name before Caitlin turned her laser on Jay, who looked equal parts turns on and betrayed. If they weren't careful, there would be another inter-agency wedding in the not-too-distant future and Harrison shuddered to think what that unholy union would look like.

Kara and Alex worked together to take on Caitlin, but while she generally worked in a medical capacity, she was not to be underestimated and managed to pick Alex off while evading Kara's fire. With only Caitlin and Kara in the arena it was a tense ten minutes to the final confrontation.

Jessie gripped Sara's arm with her free hand. "This is so tense."

In the end, it came down to luck, as it often did. They fired their weapons at approximately the same time, but Kara managed to dodge just enough to the left to keep her sensor from reading it, while Caitlin's went red.

Linda flipped on the microphone. "Caitlin Snow."

Harrison couldn't help but be mildly amused at the enthusiastic cheering. He followed the rush of agents out the door to congratulate Kara, who was hugging Caitlin. The filed through the door, Jessie clambering after them, just as excited. He'd either have to resign himself to the idea that his daughter was going to join the Company, or find a way to convince her not to. Although, he'd found that with Jessie, trying to get her to change her mind was like head butting a bull – the only thing it accomplished was pissing the bull off.

The moment they were through the doors there was a round of congratulations from the other agents, save Oliver who stood stoic in his teams loss, and… out of the corner of his eyes, he spotted Linda, standing at the back of the small crowd, cordless microphone still in hand. She was smiling, but it was a cautious smile, a patient smile, like she was waiting for something…

The electronic sound of laser fire drew his attention to Jessie, holding her gun up at Kara, whose vest was red. There was a heavy, confused silence as everyone looking between the two.

Jessie smiled wide and turned to Linda, "Is that it? Did I do it?"

Linda held up the microphone, her voice echoing itself in the quiet room. "Kara Danvers. Ladies and gentlemen, you champion, Jessie Wells."

Barry gaped, "But… she's not an agent."

"The Rules of Engagement, as written by your fiancé, Cisco Ramon, do not stipulate that participants are required to be field agents, simply that all field agents are required to participate."

"Wait, but…" Cisco frowned, trying to recall the ridiculous manual he'd written after their first competition and revised several times since. "She's right. Man, I never even considered that, but she's right."

Winn shook his head, "No, but she never said Jessie was playing."

"I never said she wasn't."

Which was brilliant, because she hadn't. She'd never listed the participants, only those that were exempt or had declined and Jessie had not been among those, despite wearing a vest and holding a gun. They'd all just assumed.

Harrison turned on Linda, unsure how he felt about the development. "Was this your idea?"

Linda shook her head, practically beaming. "Oh, no, this was all her. After I explained why we needed her help getting you on the plane, she asked if she could participate, too. I warned her that you were all highly trained agents with years of experience and she wouldn't last thirty seconds, to which she asked…"

Linda held her hands out to Jessie, who finished with pink cheeks and a wide grin. "What if they didn't know I was participating?"

It took a moment for Harrison to work through that and when he had, his chest tightened.

Cisco frowned at him. "Wait, is… Harry, are you… are those _tears_?"

Jessie's grin spread impossibly wide. "I haven't seen him that proud since I tried to build a nuclear reactor for my eighth grade science project."

Harrison spared his dignity and declined to speak, instead pulling her into a hug. If she were going to be an agent, at least she'd be a good one.

As soon as he let go of her, Jessie was besieged by the other agents with questions and hugs. Even Kara, who'd had the win swept out from under her, was too impressed ta the subterfuge to be upset by the sudden loss.

Cat made her away around the crowd to Harrison and tapped her water bottle to his in a toast. "Congratulations, she's going to be a fine agent."

"You aren't stealing my own daughter out from under me." Because he knew that look in Cat's eyes, the one that said there was a challenge she intended to win.

"I guess we'll see, won't we?"

"Yes, we will."

The sudden, loud thump of something hitting the ground interrupted the merriment as Oliver Queen hit the floor with a sudden and decisive loss of consciousness.

Felicity gasped, "Oliver!"

Cisco raised his hands triumphantly, "Weekend at Bernie's! Quick, Felicity, what's something you've always wanted to do with Oliver that he refuses to go along with?"

"Um…" She looked at the ground, confused by the question, but finally gave a hesitant, "A spa day?"

Of course it would be a spa day, although, of all the things they could do with the afternoon, Harrison didn't hate the idea of a deep tissue massage.

Cisco thought about it and nodded with a shrug. "Okay, spa day it is. Jessie, as the winner of today's competition, you're in charge of the pictures."

She took the offered camera happily. "Can we get him a Mani-Pedi?"

Cisco wrapped his arms around Jessie's shoulder while frowning sternly at Harrison. "I can not believe you kept this treasure from us for so long."

To the rest of the room, he pointed at the exit. "Agents, let's find a spa!"

They dropped the vests and gun at the door on the way out and really, Harrison had never been so relieved to be wrong. No one was injured, seriously or otherwise, and they hadn't been banned from the facility. It had, in fact, been the most successful competition in years and not the complete disaster he'd feared.

Of course, the weekend was still young.


	3. Operation Tin Roof

Summary: Just once, Harrison would like his team of highly trained, _adult_ agents to act like it.

* * *

[]

* * *

 **Operation Tin Roof**

"Harry, just tell me where he is."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Come on. Please?"

"Fine."

"Really?!"

"No."

"Damnit, Harry, he's my husband." Cisco's angry scowl faltering into a pleased smirk, which looked all the more ridiculous with the bulge in his cheek and the stick of his Blow Pop hanging out the side of his mouth. "I love saying that. My husband. I have a husband. I married him. He's mine." The scowled returned with force. "Now tell me where he is. I deserve to know where you sent him."

Harrison tapped his pencil on the desk forebodingly. "There are a great many things you deserve, Ramon. You deserve to be in lab twenty three cleaning up the mess your latest invention caused."

"Yeah, I honestly didn't think that one would explode. Like, for real this time."

"You deserve to be reported to HR and accept the consequences for what I caught you doing on my desk last week."

"Yeah, but then everyone would know what you look like when you eat Cherry Garcia ice cream." Cisco pulled the Blow Pop from his mouth and pointed it at Harrison. "Disturbingly pornographic. I seriously regret that hidden camera."

"As well you should. You're lucky that's the only thing you saw." The shudder that ran through Cisco was enough to convince Harrison that his protégé had most likely seen much more. "However, back to the topic at hand – you deserve to pay for the blood pressure medication I'm now taking thanks to my daughter's interest in my line of work."

"She's crazy good, though. So much raw talent."

"Raw talent won't keep her alive in the field and it won't keep Agent Cat Grant from poaching her."

Cisco rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. "There are worse things. Agent Grant taught Barry everything he knows."

"Believe it or not, the idea that my daughter could end up as reckless and head strong as your husband, does not make me feel better."

"Whatever. Look, are you gonna tell me or not?"

"Your capacity to understand simple one worded answers is astounding."

"Is that a yes?"

"No!"

"Fine!" Cisco stood up and moved around the back of his chair, leaning over it with his hands on the frame. "I'll just have to find out on my own."

Harrison refrained from wishing him good luck as he stormed out the door.

* * *

[]

* * *

So, yeah, he'd tried doing this the nice way – or, well, the really annoying way – but if Harry wasn't willing to play along, Cisco had other avenues he could explore and he wasn't above using them. Unfortunately, Linda caught him trying to hack the system and while she was usually a happy ray of sunshine in a dark world of espionage, she was also really, really scary. With that option closed to him, he went to the next most reliable source.

"Hartley, you have a minute?"

"No."

"But you don't even know what I want!"

"You want me to tell you where Supervisory Agent Wells sent your little husband." He looked up from his work station with an entirely blank expression. "He phoned ahead and I value my job too much to tell you anything."

Which meant… "So you do know?"

Hartley's eyes widened for a split second which was enough to tell Cisco that he'd been caught, despite his next words being. "No. Why would I know? I'm tech."

"And as tech, you'd need to know about the mission to make sure he had all the appropriate gear." Cisco sat on the desk and leaned in. "Hartley, come on, you can tell me."

Hartley stared back, unimpressed. "You'll have to do better than that, Cisco. I know you."

"And I know you." Cisco sat up, giving a shiver. "Is it _cold_ in here or is it just me?"

Hartley narrowed his eyes scathingly. "You wouldn't. You can't possibly…"

"Maybe you should turn up the _heat_."

They stared off for a few minutes, but eventually Hartley cursed under his breath and opened his draw, pulling out a file. "He's in Columbia."

"What the hell is he doing in Columbia?"

Hartley waited until Cisco took the file before answering. "Infiltrating the house of an up and coming drug lord. He's not anything important yet, but he supposedly has a database that's more than worth the effort."

"How much more?"

"Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars' worth – and that's just Barry's share."

Cisco's eyebrows shot up. "Damn."

"I know. I almost offered to take the mission."

"But aren't drug lords more Star City's speed? Couldn't Felicity just do a hack job?"

"He prefers hard copies to digital and they don't have any male agents young and pretty enough to entice this particular drug lord."

"Excuse me?!" Cisco opened the file and did a quick scan over the details, stopping when he came to a picture of a Hispanic man in his late thirties, with a chiseled jaw and an _eight_ pack standing next to a pool in a speedo. "Oh, hell no. Hartley, call the airport and tell them Harry needs the jet."

"I'm not your errand boy."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sudden _chill_."

"I hate you."

"But your calling."

Hartley rolled his eyes. "Go, they'll have it ready."

Cisco bounced out the door, but stopped a few feet away; listening to make sure Hartley was actually calling the airport and not ratting him out to Harry.

"Hey, we need to talk. … No, but Cisco came _uncomfortably_ close. … He thinks I'm in a threesome with Snart and Rory. … No, you can not arrange that. … Look, I'm at work, can you come over tonight? … See you then."

Huh, so Hartley wasn't in it with Captain Cold and Heatwave. Then what had he been doing meeting with them behind Jitters last month? He also said Cisco was 'uncomfortable close' which meant it was someone connected to them, but who?

"Captain Hunter, this is Hartley Rathaway with S.T.A.R. Labs, we need wheels up to Columbia in thirty for Francisco Ramon. Notify TSA, verification…" Hartley sighed deeply and with great suffering before dead panning, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout. When I get all steamed up here me shout. Tip me over and pour me out. Don't… stop laughing. … I'm not _singing_ it. … You know I don't get to choose my verification codes. … Just have the plane ready."

Cisco stayed in place, giving it a few more seconds. Just as he was about to sneak off, Hartley stuck his head out of his lab. "I'm done. You can go now."

"You knew I was here?"

"Of course I knew, I was a fully trained spy before you ever stepped foot in S.T.A.R. Labs. You're not that good."

"Oh, I'm that good. Why else would you call whoever it is you're sleeping with?"

"Because I don't want you assuming I'm in the middle of a Cold-Wave sandwich and, in case you didn't notice, I said nothing to give away the identity of my lover."

"I know you're meeting him tonight."

"Yes, when you'll be safely in Columbia, staging an entirely unnecessary rescue for your husband and no one here is willing to take sides in our little feud."

"… Maldita sea! Fine, but I will find out."

Hartley smirked. "Adios, Cisquito."

* * *

[]

* * *

He would find out, but first, he had to rescue his husband.

Cisco looked out over the top of the roof he was standing on and over the expanse of lush greenery and the distant shadows of mountains and blue water.

Colombia was beautiful – absolutely breathtaking.

Well, minus the drug lords with their wash board abs that lounged around crystal clear pools wearing speedoes so everyone could see just how big their… no, focus. He couldn't think about that right now.

He looked down at the patrol of armed gunmen guarding the perimeter of the mansion he had just finished scaling the southerly wall of.

Right, so, back to that first thought. Columbia was beautiful, but it also had a lot of crime – statistically speaking. Of course, there were always risks, no matter where you lived. California had earthquakes; Kansas had tornados; Florida had Hurricanes; Detroit had… Detroit; and Colombia had the occasional drug lord.

Cisco tethered his harness to the metal rail lining the edge of the roof and waited for the guards to round the corner before standing up to test the hold. Satisfied that he wouldn't plummet fifty plus feet to his death, he swung his legs over the railing and lowered himself slowly to the balcony below him.

And, really, drug lords weren't that big of a deal. At least he could shoot a drug lord. A gun wouldn't do a whole lot of good against a rock slide in Colorado and Cisco was kind of allergic to being crushed to death. It just didn't _agree_ with him.

He dropped softly onto the landing and crouched, waiting to make sure he hadn't been noticed, because that would suck. His patience was greeted with silence and after a minute, he breathed easy.

So far so good.

Since getting married, Barry and him been discussing buying a vacation home. It was hard in their line of work to really unwind. Having a retreat would be nice and between the two of them, they could get something nice in a foreign country that could double as a safe house or a place to retire sometime in the very far future.

Except Barry kept talking about Peru – they could afford a good amount of land in the hills, it would be quiet, secluded, safe, and he'd seen an International House Hunter's episode about a couple of guys that started a cheese farm up there and he had this crazy ass idea that they could buy goats and sheep and make a hobby of it.

Cisco didn't want to crush Barry's dreams, but he also didn't want to retire to a remote mountain so far from any form of civilization that their family would have to rent an alpaca to visit them. Colombia had plenty of beaches and villas, or, if Barry really wanted, they could look into a private island off the coast – as long as it had electricity, internet, and plumbing, those were his three non-negotiables.

Below him, another set of guards made their pass and as soon as they were around the corner, Cisco made the transition from one balcony to the next and then the next until he was situated on the one he wanted, at the entrance to the master suite of one Santiago Gomez.

It wasn't that Cisco didn't trust Barry, there was no one he trusted more, but he didn't trust Harry and he sure as hell didn't trust some suave Columbian with expensive taste not to get handsy with his fiancé, especially if things went south and Barry was exposed and if that happened, there wasn't a rock Santiago Gomez could crawl under that Cisco wouldn't find. So, really, he was doing them all a favor.

Or maybe not, because when he peered into the room, he saw Barry laid out on his stomach, blankets pooled around his waist, exposing his naked back. Next to him, Santiago's bare ass was on top of the covers. And Cisco… Cisco was pretty chill. It was what made him so good at his job. He focused on the goal and didn't let himself get worked up or anxious or angry and sometimes the job called for them to get a little down and dirty. Cisco wasn't above that, or, well, he hadn't been, but there was a difference between intellectually knowing it could happen and seeing his Barry in bed with another man.

Hell. Fucking. No.

Cisco threw open the door and pulled the gun out of his back pocket, prepared to cap Santiago and ask questions later, but before he could pull the trigger, Barry sat up, his own gun in the hand that had been tucked under the pillow. They both froze, eyes wide with shock.

Barry recovered first. "Cisco? What are you doing here?!"

"Rescuing you." Cisco took his finger off the trigger.

"Who said I needed rescuing?"

"No one?"

"I'm…" Barry dropped his gun arm, "…really confused."

Cisco glanced at Santiago, who was still sacked out behind Barry. "Why isn't he waking up?"

"I drugged him." Barry sat up and Cisco immediately noted the top of his black jeans low on his hips. "Cisco, what's going on?"

Slowly, Cisco lowered his gun. "So, you didn't sleep with him?"

"No!" Barry looked behind him at Santiago and threw the blankets back to cover him. "Why would you think that?"

"'Cause… Hartley said?" Which sounded like a poor excuse now that he heard it out loud.

"What exactly did Hartley say?"

"That they sent you in because you were his type."

"Okay, first of all, Hartley is, in your words, a dick; second, I don't do that – not that I've never had sex during a mission, but there is a huge difference between doing it while your _on_ a mission and doing it _for_ a mission; and third," Barry got off the bed and came over to him, staring down with an expression somewhere between scolding and concerned, "the fact that it sounds like you have…?"

"What? No, not… since we got together."

"Yeah, that is not okay." Barry's hands took either side of his face, making sure he had Cisco's full attention. "You, Cisco Ramon-Allen, are worth more than that."

And, damnit, why did Barry have to go and use his hyphenated name like that and why did he have to be so damn romantic? Cisco was supposed to be the one defending Barry's honor, not the other way around. "Not fair."

"Not fair is what I'm about to do in Santiago's bathroom. Or, more precisely, what I'm gonna do to _you_ in it." Barry's hands dropped down to Cisco's ass, squeezing suggestively.

Now that was more like it. "Yeah, and what's that?"

"Every filthy, dirty thing Santiago said he wanted to do to me."

"I'm sorry, are you trying to make me jealous?"

Barry grinned "You're cute when you're jealous."

"Oh I'll show you cute."

"Yeah?"

"Get your ass in there."

* * *

[]

* * *

"And that is how we got caught by Santiago's men and had to shoot our way out and inadvertently blew up half the mansion in the process."

"Because you couldn't keep it in your pants long enough to get the information and get out?"

"No. Because you wouldn't tell me where my husband was so I had to go behind your back, which meant I was going in blind. This is on you."

"This isn't on me."

"Then who is it on?"

"Hartley – for telling you where to find your husband."

"I can live with that."

"Hm. Speaking of Hartley, what exactly made you think he was having an elicit affair with Captain Cold and Heatwave?"

"I followed him to the coffee shop on my day off and caught him meeting with them in an alleyway."

"You followed Hartley on your day off? Does Allen know about this?"

"He encourages my hobbies. Besides, he was at the precinct and I was bored."

"He had no idea, did he?"

"That is beside the point. The point is, I was wrong about the unholy polyamorous love triangle, but close enough that he gave me the information I wanted and angry enough at you for changing his verification code that he didn't rat me out, which makes this whole thing his fault."

"I didn't change his verification code."

"Well, someone did and that little teapot was not happy about it."

Teapot? What…? Oh, for the love of… "Linda!"

She ducked her head in. "Yes?"

"Did you change Hartley's verification code?"

Linda raised her eyebrows and stood straight in the doorway, pressing her fist to her hip. "You asked me to handle the verification codes. I handled them."

"What did you do?"

She lifted her free hand up to rest next to her head and sang softly, "I'm a little tea pot short and stout."

Cisco chimed in gleefully, "Here is my handle, here is my spout. There's a reason they call him the Pied Piper."

Harrison dropped his head to the desk and took several deep breathes before looking up to Linda. "Why?"

She smiled contentedly and whispered back, "Because I can."

Cisco nodded sagely. "You really shouldn't give her power you don't want her to abuse."

She pointed a finger at Cisco with a wink. "True that."

He winked back and Harrison finally gave in to the urge to throw his pencil across the room, which Linda dodged with the ease of someone who'd had a great many objects thrown at her over the years. She ducked back in long enough to say, "Rude!" before storming off.

Cisco chuckled. "Anyway, we got the entire database before the mansion went kaboom, so, mission complete and, bonus, Barry and I decided to buy a small island. I know traditionally, agents retire out of the country, but we're thinking somewhere off the coast of North Carolina."

"Don't change the subject. You can't keep interfering with Barry's missions. This is why we don't permit inter-agent dating."

"Speaking of, did you hear Caitlin and Jay are coming up on their first Bangiversary?"

"Yes, I also heard Snow threaten to cut off his balls if he ever called it that again, which would be doing us all a favor, but that threat quickly turned into a discussion about whether they wanted children in the future, so I doubt it will come to fruition. Stop trying to change the subject. Allen is more than capable of running missions by himself."

Cisco raised his eyebrows with a grin. "I think we're missing what's really important."

"And what would that be?"

"Who the hell is Hartley sleeping with?"

"Go."

"You sure? I could do this for hours."

"Get out and send in Agent Allen."

"Don't you mean, Agent Allen-Ramon?"

"What you call yourselves in your free time is your business. However, I refuse to change your official Agent monikers. The paperwork alone."

"Spoil sport."

"Out."

"Fine, but you should know, Barry is not happy about the whole 'me sleeping with other people as part of a mission' thing."

"Did you tell him it was your choice? That I, in fact, explicitly instructed you not to, but you decided Lisa Snart was 'too smoking hot to pass that up'?''

"Yeah, no, I told him, but I still think he's gonna punch you in the face. Also, he may or may not hunt down Lisa Snart. Who knew Barry could be so possessive?"

"Ramon…"

"You know, I've never had anyone so concerned about my honor. It's kinda nice. Although, you know, to be fair, I wasn't aware I had any, on account of my being a spy for hire and everything."

"I can't have Allen causing an incident with the Snarts, and by association, the entire Rogues' team, not to mention my brother, because you decided to get frisky with the enemy. Against my orders."

"Oh, I just had an idea!"

"It had better be about how to stop your husband."

"God, no, he is so hot right now. It's Hartley, he's gotta be sleeping with one of the Rogues."

Harrison's eye twitched dangerously.

"Am I right?"

Breathe in. Breathe out. Just like his therapist had told him to do when he was feeling homicidal.

"Come on, gimme something. I know you. You have files on all of us, there's no way you don't at least have a clue."

"I will shoot you."

"And then Barry shoots you, and Hartley shoots Barry, and Caitlin shoots Hartley and that's how inter-agency wars get started."

Without breaking eye contact, Harrison pulled his gun out of his drawer and aimed it at Cisco, who got up and backed out slowly. "Okay, that was too far. Got it. I'll just… go get Barry."

He paused in the doorway, "Please don't shoot him?"

Harrison fired the gun, hitting the wall a foot to the left of Cisco's thigh and there was no small amount of satisfaction in the way the boy scrambled in his rush to run. That satisfaction, however, was quickly diminished by Linda, who stormed in after.

"What the hell?!" She looked from him to the hole in the wall and back. "Really? Again? Do you have any idea how much paperwork I have to fill out every time to shoot at one of us? This," she gestured emphatically at the hole in the wall, "is why I sent you to that therapist."

"You sent me to the therapist because I threatened to lock my daughter in a luxuriously appointed cell until such time as she gave up the idea of joining the agency."

"That too!" Linda stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Harrison sighed, putting the gun back in his drawer. She was probably right. Locking his daughter up had been a bad idea and considering everything she did for him, Linda didn't deserve the paperwork that came with shooting at his agents, no matter how annoying they were being.

He'd have to make it up to her later, but first, he had to convince Barry Allen not to start an incident, especially one that could potentially involve his brother, because those never ended well.


End file.
